directed by Tom Hooper
starring James Corden, Judi Dench, Jason Derulo, Idris Elba, Jennifer Hudson, Ian McKellen, Taylor Swift, Rebel Wilson, and introducing Francesca Hayward
No surprises here: Cats is a bad kitty.
I've read many of the reviews excoriating the film as beyond bad, but as a fan of musicals I felt I had to see it for myself and form my own opinion. I also have the (questionable) advantage of having seen the original musical on Broadway, and of reading the source material, poet T.S. Eliot's whimsical "Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats." In truth, I wasn't a big fan of the musical (I thought the costumes were weird then), though I am fond of the original book, as it is a truly imaginative collection of poems that describe a variety of cats as having human traits, to humorous effect. However, the collected poems are very British and were first published in 1939 -- 80 years ago! Composer Andrew Lloyd Webber's NYC stage adaptation premiered in 1980, which is also quite a while back.
Why It's Bad
1. It's out of its time:
The time lapse is a large part of the problem. The material is significantly dated. Why the producers thought they could take this ancient monstrosity, which was an oddity in its time, and transfer it largely untouched to the screen is a mystery. In our high-tech, short-attention span, Disney-fied, action world, this kind of old-fashioned show fails miserably. Despite the efforts of an Oscar winning director, stunt casting, a couple of new songs, a lot of choreography, and CGI effects, the film is mostly dull, ugly and weird.
2. The cats are frightful:
I think of cats as elegant, attractive animals. These humans looked like something from the Island of Dr. Moreau, or from Dante's Inferno. They were mostly a repulsive-looking bunch other than the angelic young ballerina cat (Heyward) who wants to be a Jellicle. Jennifer Hudson looks like she'd been dragged over the streets on her face. Judi Dench seems to have been mummified. The venerable Ian McKellen appears to have been electrocuted. Idris Elba looks like the devil, both literally and figuratively, in a shiny dark leotard and tail, ice blue contact lenses, and ears set like horns -- in a way that skirts both taste and racial sensitivity. They don't really look like cats. There have been many musicals that cast humans as animal characters (The Wizard of Oz/The Wiz's Cowardly Lion, Johnny Depp as the Big Bad Wolf in Into The Woods, every other contestant on TV's "The Masked Singer"), and none of them looked this freakish.
3. The music is bad:
To me, the most unforgivable part of this film musical is the music itself. Other than "Memory," the songs are universally awful and what's worse, they are badly produced. Many a half-baked screen musical has been elevated in my mind because the soundtrack production was so fantastic (the Bee Gees' Beatles fantasia Sgt. Pepper, Andrew Lloyd Webber's superior Evita, even the recent The Greatest Showman). The minute I heard those cheesy synthesizers (unfortunately, synth is an apparent signature sound that imitates the mewling of the cats) and bubbling pseudo-disco basslines -- so emblematic of early 80s music -- my heart sank. Not-great songs can be updated, adapted, and produced to enhance their appeal and timeliness for modern audiences, but in Cats, nobody bothered. Andrew Lloyd Webber himself produced the music, and I can only imagine that he was either too married to the original arrangements, or he didn't have the time or money to reimagine them.
4. Bad songs/bad singing/ho-hum dancing:
Further, as a sung-through musical with literally no spoken dialogue, the singing is woefully second-rate. Rebel Wilson as Jennyanydots and James Corden as Bustopher Jones play it for laughs, and they seem to be in a completely different movie. The other characters should have taken a page from them. Taylor Swift does a sexy "Macavity," but it's unclear to me why Idris Elba's Macavity isn't singing his own song. Jennifer Hudson over-cries and over-sings her setpiece "Memory." Jason Derulo as Rum Tum Tugger tries to inject some soul into a corny uptempo number, but you can hardly understand his lyrics. Judi Dench doesn't even try to sing, nor does Ian McKellen, whose spotlight number is a snoozy dead spot. And speaking of Cats' lyrics, since they are adapted from poems, there are either too many words (as the Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat, Bustopher Jones, or Mungojerrie & Rumpleteazer) or simple phrases repeated ad infinitum (as with Mr. Mistoffelees). Specific references to London locales and British colloquialisms also go over the heads of most Americans. As for the dancing, its is ... unremarkable. A lot of cat writhing that is overwhelmed by the large-scale sets they take place in. There have been complaints that the dancing is oversexualized, but I didn't feel that. Have you ever watched cats move? They're slinky, sensual, seductive creatures. It never occurred to me that they were horny.
5. Not enough character development.
A lot of the cat characters aren't named in the film, but apparently they all have names and relationships. I didn't even know that the main tomcat's name was Munkustrap or that TaySwif was Bombalurina until the credits. Indeed, the plot is very thin; much like A Chorus Line, you meet all the characters in a kind of "I Hope I Get It" audition line, with the cats hoping to get picked to go to the Heaviside Layer, which I assume is the next life in their nine-lives cycle, though that is never explained.
I don't want to just pile on, though. I love musical theater. So could anything have been done to make it palatable for contemporary audiences? I think so.
How I Would Have Fixed It
How could Cats have been saved for 2019? Put it through a contemporary lens. Think of the framing of The Princess Bride, for example.
I would have made Judi Dench a kindly, modern-day grandma with a house full of cats that her young granddaughter comes to visit. Grandma keeps a copy of "Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats" and shares it with her granddaughter, telling her that every cat in her house and the neighborhood is a Jellicle cat with a story. They go to the market, passing the junkyard, the theater, the railway station, a garbage dump, and Grandma points out all the cats. The perspective could then shift to the cat-ified human personifications singing and acting out their theme songs. And if these characters are identified as cats, they don't have to be drowned in makeup and fake fur for us to understand they are cats!
Back in modern times, Grandma tells the girl that there will be a full moon, a Jellicle Moon, and that it's a special night for the cats. Then the movie can shift back to the cat characters and their Jellicle Ball, Dench can still show up as Old Deuteronomy, Macavity can still be evil, and Grizabella can still ascend. Back in real time, Grandma sings about how to address cats and treat them with respect. They hear meowing at the back door, and it's a tiny multicolored kitten. "Hello, Grizabella," says Grandma. "Welcome to the Heaviside Layer." THE END.
Yes, some of the cats' song and dance numbers would have to be trimmed quite a bit, but I don't think that would be a loss, since so much of the movie is a slog. So what do you think of my fix?
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