Totally Underwater: "Aquaman"

Aquaman
directed by James Wan
starring Jason Momoa, Willem Dafoe, Amber Heard, Patrick Wilson, Nicole Kidman

Recommended? Only for serious superhero fanatics. Otherwise no.

I am not a staunch follower of superhero films, but I do enjoy a good adventure yarn as well as elements of fantasy and the ongoing struggle between good and evil. The best superhero stories follow the classic Hero's Journey plot, with some snappy dialogue, good pacing, a believable alternate universe, and a sympathetic hero. Sequels should be able to stand on their own as individual films. I was stoked to see Aquaman because this hero comes from a unique world, and because, let's face it, it's Jason Momoa.

What a letdown.

Aquaman is a cool bro named Arthur Curry, whose long-lost mom was queen of Atlantis. First of all, though this film is supposed to be the Aquaman Origin Story, it's less about how Aquaman became Aquaman and more about how he became King of Atlantis despite being half human. Second: Arthur is a terrible name for a superhero; apologies to all the Arthurs out there, but it just made me think of King Arthur and the Round Table, and the whole journey to find the ancient trident of a long-dead original king of Atlantis is straight Sword In The Stone, Excalibur stuff. Third, I didn't get a feel for the adult Arthur, though we do find out that he was raised with an awareness of his underwater royal heritage, developed some cool Atlantean skills, and loves his lighthouse-keeping dad. Basically, he's ... likeable, laidback Jason Momoa. He looks the same in the film as he does in his daily life: mane of flowing hair, tats, jewelry, Polynesian origins and boots intact.

Yes, Aquaman's origins are sketched out, but at the top of the film he is already established as Aquaman, and he even makes light of his celebrity by mugging with fans for pictures. We learn that Arthur can swim like the devil, breathe underwater, has incredible strength, can take a punch or two. We see him save a Russian submarine from pirates led by a very Angry Black Man whose father and mentor ends up dying in the fight. When Pirate Pop passes, Arthur feels bad. That's how we know he's just a goodhearted dude. But I still didn't get a sense of his hopes and dreams, fears or insecurities before a Princess from the Deep shows up to drag him into the undersea beef he knows nothing about. I guess my quibble is that I would have wanted to see more about how he first took on the mantle of being Aquaman -- not just a kid who can breathe underwater and commune with sea creatures, but become a bona fide superhero who decides to do good and ally himself with the Justice League. Not having seen many of the previous Justice League-related films, I'm probably at a disadvantage.

While the underwater scenes are mostly well done in terms of flowing hair and floating objects, they are busy. In fact, the backstory lore of how Atlantis fell and turned into seven different ocean kingdoms with different creatures of varying abilities, intelligence, and alliances was just hella hard to follow. The costumes for the Atlantis folks were also Arthurian, with a lot of medieval-style armor and helmets that looked totally out of place in the ocean and raised unintentional concerns, at least in my mind, about anchor weights, rust and corrosion. Perhaps this costuming scheme came directly from the original DC Comics visuals.

Playing a trusted palace advisor with perennially slicked-back hair, Willem Dafoe looked like he was in a samurai movie. Or maybe that was him behind the fish mask in The Shape of Water. Some of the marine creatures used as transportation were unintentionally hilarious. The whole romance plotline between Arthur and Princess Mera (Heard) is cheesy. His jealous half-brother Orm (Wilson), who was fighting to keep the crown of Atlantis -- is a cardboard villain. With the film hurtling along and cramming in so much information--most of it visual CGI wizardry--there was less time to develop a story that would really invoke some emotion.

Despite the fact that Aquaman was throwing a lot of story and special effects at me, I was waiting for it to end. Also, I found the Unintentional Hilarity Quotient to be quite high in this film, which meant I was laughing at stuff I was not supposed to be laughing at. I laughed at Aquaman swimming the depths in his jeans and motorcycle boots. I guffawed at the crazy crab creatures, goofy amphibians, and manic sharks battling in the final scenes. But when the Pirate turned up again toward the middle of the film to exact revenge on Aquaman in a hi-tech armored black suit topped by a giant head with glowing red eyes, I lost it. It's Roach Man! No, The Fly! It's a Barbecued Ninja Turtle! A Super-Pissed Power Ranger! Then the character mumbled his name. "He's from Atlanta?" my sister asked. The whole "Black Manta" identity thing got lost in the film's hectic storytelling and we were left in hysterics that totally undercut the intended drama and menace of his appearance.

The teens seated in front of me were clearly annoyed by our giggling, but we couldn't help it. (Side note: The kid in front of me was really pissed by my laughter; when the movie was over I accidentally grazed him in the noggin with my Slurpee cup as I was getting out of my seat. So not only did I insult his flick, I assaulted him as well. I'm lucky he didn't call Security.)

It really doesn't matter what I think of Aquaman. Jason Momoa and Warner Bros. Pictures are laughing all the way to the bank. Meanwhile, I was laughing until tears sprang from my eyes over the spectacle of Black Manta looking like Mothra's Play Cousin LeRoy.